Can’t spell virus without us

Well I ran into a virus earlier but it’s not what i expected. The one I came into contact with took the form of my fellow humans. I first stopped by the big Walmarts. I’ve heard it said that at one point we had the largest Walmart in North America. Possibly still is or possibly never was and people just make stuff up and repeat it a lot. You figure it out and let me know. I do know that it’s a good thing it’s a large Walmarts because it was nearly full. Full shopping carts and empty shelves and heads.

It wasn’t supposed to be a first and second and third stop but the virus is strong out there and it forced my hand by way of panic. Not my panic but the general public. They had cleared the shelves. This wasn’t preparation. Preparation isn’t done all in one day or even one week. Also, you don’t buy 13 rotisserie chickens for prepping. Probably some of you that are reading this we’re ones doing this. Just know that you’re in our hopes and prayers, bless your hearts and all that important stuff. Also, explain yourselves. 13 rotisserie chickens?

There are people out shopping today that haven’t been out in years. Some of them looked like it could’ve been their first time in years seeing the sun as well. It was fairly easy to tell, you just had to look up at them, but I’ll let you in on how I spotted them. First, a lot of the cars in parking lot have expired Inspection stickers. These cars never thought they’d see the roads again and now here they are being stuffed to the brim with hoarders delight. These cars are about to head home with enough toilet paper to paper mache a fully operational fort with which you could then defend your supply of toilet paper in. You can tell who the regular shoppers are vs the panicked ones by the fact that the panicked ones aren’t looking at what they’re getting, not really, and the contents of their shopping carts are insane. If there’s variety then you’ve got a regular shopper. If their shopping cart is filled entirely with cheesecake then step back a little. The biggest tell is just the look in their eyes. It’s the look of someone that’s being hunted and they’re worried they’re not gonna get a last meal, 600 times.

     There are, people wearing masks, people not wearing masks and people making fun of both. They’re out here buying food they’ve never eaten before. I saw a dude in full hunting gear, face grease and all, holding up hummus and asking passers by what it was and how long before it goes bad. They’re buying food they can’t even pronounce. So far my favorite is the older gentleman that was just filling a shopping cart full of mounds candy bars. I actually stopped and watched him in admiration for a minute. He was shopping like a man whose wife left 35 minutes ago to go out of town for a month. I’d be willing to bet the beer aisle was next for him.

While I walked around getting my few items I saw girls with their high water 80’s pants pulled up to their Adam’s apples and yoga pants so tight you could see their uvulas. That really has nothing to do with the virus issue but it was rampant so it gets talked about as well. I was stared down by a guy that was standing so close to his woman that there was no doubt he was living off her disability check. That level of protection bared it’s teeth at me three separate times. There were too many couples walking their fully engorged carts way too slowly, three wide through the aisles. A lady in an electric cart was rolling around coughing on all the bread. I saw a young fella that was frantically filling an entire cart up with bread. He must’ve had 30 loaves when I saw him and he showed no signs of slowing down. I figured he was a youth pastor that was gonna be doing a bible study about the multiplying loaves and fish this Sunday. If not then he was probably doing something else completely normal. At the lil Walmarts there was a fella frozen in place while pointing down at the granola bars. Just standing. And pointing. And standing. And pointing. He was also making a face but mostly standing and pointing.

I overheard a couple talking near the tp aisle. The man said, “ well what if we get the girls diapers?“ the woman snapped her head around at him and loudly proclaimed, “ Stacey’s 16 Ben, she ain’t gonna wear no diaper and Carla’s gonna do whatever Stacy does!” He watched her roll her eyes bigly at him and then he said, “it’d just be for when they’re at home Cindy! Oh my gawd!” And then walked away, most likely to find someone help him figure out diaper sizes for teens. .

     One of the recurring words I kept hearing around each new corner was, Free. As in, free stuff. A lady standing just there said, ”just wait till they get the free groceries and stuff  that they bring to our doors. That’s what they do when things like this happen. They bring free stuff to your door. These idiots just don’t know.” I don’t know what this meant but it sounds like a good time and I’m gonna be watching my porch closely in the next few weeks. “I heard there’s some Free stuff uptown.” Another person said. Then, “What they got free up there?” Replied with, “I don’t know. It’s free, does it matter?” And the word free would domino affect people in the store. It would travel in waves like at sports stadiums. Except instead of people standing and putting their arms in the air it was ears pricking up and eyes narrowing on a prize unseen but almost in reach.

The lame walked, the blind could see, the mute could speak, but hardly any would think. Whether any were capable I couldn’t say but the majority of the ones I saw definitely weren’t making much of an attempt.

Through visits to 3 stores on the way home I only witnessed one person take any precautions with germs. And it was at the lil’ Walmarts. He had a Clorox wipe in his hand and he wiped his cart off before touching it. The rest were touching and grabbing and feeling and squeezing and doing all sorts of hoardy things with there grubby panicked fingers. It was a smorgasbord of eyeball scratching, nose picking, face holding, snot, booger and germ extravaganza.

     I wrote most of this while standing in The Walmarts. I had plenty of time when I’d have to wait for the hordes to finish loading up on whatever their particular hankering was. I suppose it’s normal for humans to act with such reckless abandon during times of uncertainty. It’s always been this way and probably always will be. It’s the nature of humans. But you know, it still seems odd when you see grown adults panicking and buying bulk quantities of perishable items they most likely don’t need. Buying up all of the sour cream, loading up with sixteen pounds of bologna or enough bread to build a medium sized fort.

As I stand here waiting to check out I can’t help but watch everyone come and go. I listen to them setting their thoughts loose loudly with no concern for how they may sound. Why shouldn’t it be ok for everyone to hear you tell your 12 year old daughter to go get 4 more boxes of fruit loops, you know, “just in case.” And, “the big boxes, not them tiny ones.” I don’t know what separates us vs them or perhaps it’s you vs me. If you’re reading this and you were one of the people that bought 85 packages of toilet paper and 38 tubs of butter then explain it to us. Let us know what’s going on. What do you know that the rest of us seem oblivious to? What say the hive mind? Let’s start here. Why did so many of you buy a two years supply of toilet paper?

*for those that don’t know, My town has two Walmarts. One is a large regular Walmart and the other is a smaller Walmart market. The big one is a full on Walmart with everything. The little one is mostly groceries. I’m not going to say all that every time I reference them so they’ve become, Big Walmarts and Lil Walmarts. I add the s because I find it funny. No other reason.