Xenon Warrior

My favorite part is when your driving home in December, when it’s midnight at 5:30pm and someone decides they want to park their car in your backseat for the entire 10 mile drive home. My eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness because the sun just went down 30 seconds ago. Winter sun isn’t fooling around. And it doesn’t matter if you’re driving 2mph or 22mph over the speed limit, they stay right there with you. They’re your new journey home buddy. If things go well perhaps this weekend both of you will be able to take a trip up to the mountains and find a nice chapel and get married. Of course you don’t know what’ll happen because you can’t see into the future. In fact you can’t see much of anything. The vehicle behind you has their headlights on the eyes of God setting, powered by the ark of the covenant. You can hear the cries of melted nazis with every bump in the road. Farm animals that are standing too close to the road are being vaporized. Tomorrow they’ll be asking, “where’s the beef?” and it won’t be found.

People all over social media are making posts about the “mysterious lights” they saw. They ask, “Is it aliens? Is it swamp gas? Weather balloon? Is it someone’s mamaw or uncle Steve blowing up their meth lab? Why are all of the animals a mile off each side of the road up HWY 181 blind now?” There’ll have to be studies done and articles written and millions of tax dollars in research spent to find out the effects of blind squirrels. Did aliens visit? No, it’s just some dude in his car that used all of his tax money to buy led headlights from the secret NASA section in the back of O,O,O, O’Reillys.

    20 minutes before this I saw him sitting at the Gate gas station, leaning against his atomic powered Ford Focus, blaring the Taylor Swift, I knew you were trouble, [dubstep remix] after signing his soul over to the 70,000K, Light Emitting Devil. He was waiting for someone to follow on his way home. Royalty deserves an escort to and fro and he doesn’t wanna get caught without a crew. We wont be buds tomorrow but I may need him to be my seeing eye dawg. You can’t see it because you’re blind now but he’s blowing mad clouds behind you with his homemade vape mod. I know because back at the gas station he was using it to pretend he was showing smoke to everyone that pulled too close to the Free air machine.

After keeping the mirrors and the back of my skull warm almost all the way home he goes away. He manages to turn off about a ½ mile or so before you get home so you have at least that far to get your rage out before walking inside to see your family. “Hello honey, I’m home,” you say and then feel your way to the freezer to get ice for your corneas. “Your future may be bright, but it’s not as bright as the Xenon Warrior following you home.”

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