There’s a buzzing noise. It has an incessant cadence that is familiar. I look up from the book I’m reading and it gets louder. Not the TV. It’s coming from my right so I look in that direction. Sure enough, I’ve found the source. My wife is speaking to me. She has apparently been telling me a story for about 58 seconds. I know this because that’s how long the buzzing has been buzzing. Confused, I look at her and ask, “what?” She doesn’t miss a beat, but rather, pauses and takes an inhumanly large breath and begins again. That catches my attention.
This is gonna be a big story without room for anymore breathing for awhile. I didn’t hear any of what she was saying at the beginning and I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear my name called before that. But she so effortlessly flowed back into her story it makes me realize we must do this a lot. She’s been talking this time for about twice as long as she did when she first started. And now it’s occurred to me that this is the second run through of this story and I still don’t know what she’s saying. In fact, I can’t focus on any of it because I missed the first part, again, and nothing she is saying is making sense. My mind is turning her words into Peanuts parents wah wah. I’m too far behind and my male brain is punishing me for being so easily distracted. It’s a catch twenty two self destruct countdown. She’s still talking.
It looks like a good story, very animated and lots of passion. I nod. She pauses again. “ Oh God! She’s onto me! She knows I’m an idiot.” My façade is over. Now I won’t even be able to pretend to believe I’m not a buffoon in her eyes. Who am I kidding? I’ll have forgotten all of this in an hour. She yells out for one of the kids to do something, I don’t know what, I didn’t hear. I was sidetracked by the fact that she was listening to the children around the house while telling me a story for the second time.
Her ability to multitask is amazing and pretty frightening. She’s gonna realize I’m not listening any second now. She probably already knows but is taking this opportunity to use against me in the future. I deserve it. I read something recently that women really just want you to listen and not try to fix it. Maybe this is one of those times I can take advantage of this. Probably not. Her eyes just narrowed at me. The buzzing noise is now coming from inside my head. I’ve got to do something. It’s gone on too long. I can’t catch up.
My five year old walks past and I poke her in the ribs and she lashes out like a rabid honey badger attacking some poor fool creature that dared poke it in the ribs as it walked by. She pounces on me and we tussle. I look over at my wife and say, “sorry, I can’t hear you. Give me just a minute” I’m still panicking a bit as my little one punches me in the head with a lego filled fist. The pain is worth it and I deserve it for not being able to communicate and keep focused like a normal human being. A couple minutes of taking a lego beating from my child it’s over and I just sit there stewing in my inadequacies.
Finally I look over and ask my wife to please start over cause I wanna hear what her smart and beautiful self has to say. I stare lovingly and with good intent. She’s begins her story again. I breath a sigh of relief wishing I wasn’t so easily distracted. She doesn’t deserve a moron like me. What’s wrong with me? Why does my brain fight with me so. I must’ve been in charge of a puppy and kitten prison in a former life. I happen to see my zipper is down and I wonder how long it’s been that way. Surely I didn’t go to work like that. The last time I went to a restroom was about 4 hours or so ago. I think of all the places I’ve been in that time and, “ Are you even listening to me?” My wife asks. I snap back into the world. “I’m trying but I won’t seem to let me.” She nods at me as though I’m possibly progressing in her training but not as fast a she wishes I would.