The next civil war will be fought over time, between two factions: the Daylights and the Standards. The Daylights will be easily identifiable in their bright yellow attire, maximizing every moment of sun as they sip mimosas and drink sunscreen juice. Meanwhile, the Standards will be wearing mismatched clothing they picked out in the dark, dragging around IVs of black coffee to sustain their anger.
The Daylights, obsessed with sunlight, will eventually go blind from staring at the sun, while the Standards will be blind from huddling in caves just to get some sleep. Daylights will have only one free hand because the other is always adjusting a clock. The Standards, however, will have both hands free to shake in the air, demanding the Daylights pick a time and stick with it. If it’s dark, let it be dark; if it’s light, let it be light. This war will either never start or last forever, as neither group will agree on the correct time to begin or know when it ends.
I’ve pondered this subject for quite some time, though I’m not entirely sure how long—daylight saving time makes it hard to track. I’ve written this essay over the course of several years. Each year, I lose track of time and forget to post it. But now, as we’ve just “fallen back,” the time feels right again. Twice a year, time moves forward and then back, like some strange seasonal Harlem Shake.
In light of this absurdity, I propose a new system for daylight saving time. Instead of slapping an hour around just twice a year, let’s make time changes completely random. For example, on November 2nd, we could fall back an hour. Two weeks later, we fall back three hours. Six Tuesdays later, we push forward two days. No announcements, just surprise time shifts until July 4th, when we don’t even tell anyone what time it is. Make people guess. Of course, each time change would require approval by the Department of Temporal Affairs, followed by review from the Subcommittee on Hour Allocation—a process that could take so long we’d have to start over before they reached a consensus.
In February, we switch to military time; from February 29th to 31st, we adopt Canadian time, with “about” replaced by “aboot.” As in, “it’s aboot time to eat some pancakes.” Once everyone adjusts, we flip AM and PM. It’s dark in the day, Wednesday at night—why not? Naturally, to ensure consistency, the government will appoint a “Time Czar” tasked with enforcing “national time policy” and hunting down anyone who misinterprets the hour. Too much unregulated control over time could lead to… well, they haven’t said exactly, but it can’t be good.
The government will then figure out a way to tax DST. Imagine a “Time Utilization Tax” (TUT), implemented to “fund proper time regulation for all citizens.” Don’t worry; officials promise it’ll only affect those who “abuse time”—though they haven’t clarified what that means yet. They could also create a “Time Police” to quiz citizens on the current time; if you answer incorrectly, you’re fined or forced to wear a government-issued clock around your neck, Flava Flav-style, but more pompous and less useful.
In March, every three days we go back a day. In April, we leap forward five. On January 1st, we announce that April 1st is now the start of the year. We revert to a 13-month calendar but still keep leap years, celebrating with a bread festival at the circus. We also elect a local “Time Mayor” whenever we feel like it, whose key role is to fight against consistency and order. I’d also like to see an “s” added to every instance of “Daylights Savings Times”—for flair. “Have you guys been to The Walmarts since the daylights savings times?”
Twice a year, I’m reminded of my feelings for DST. Even abbreviated, it doesn’t go down any easier, but at least it keeps the bitter taste brief. For six months, twice a year, I calculate what time it “used to be.” I wake up at 5:30 AM and say, “Well, it used to be 11 PM, so that’s why I’m exhausted and fed up with everything.” I say this to the wind that has been minding its own business and doesn’t have the consciousness to understand. I’m sorry, wind. I’m just sleepy.
Daylight Saving Time is a magical clock dance where we’re told time now lasts longer in the daytime. It’s a game we play with our clocks twice a year. We move the clocks forward and backward to make it seem like we have more daylight. But even though we get to play with time, some people think it might make us a bit sleepy or confused. If anyone is confused about how it all works, here’s the official definition:
Daylight Saving Time: A temporally oscillatory phenomenon, elucidating cyclical modulations upon chronological metrics. Engaging in a bifurcated diurnal flux, this fluctuation endeavors to optimize photonic resource allocation within the broader time framework. It orchestrates a perceptual recalibration of cadence, fostering an illusory extension of diurnal luminosity. The core tenet resides in biannual chronometric manipulation, fostering societal adaptation to a seemingly heightened photoperiod, albeit with questionable physiological repercussions.
If this sounds too bizarre, here are some actual “facts” about DST—with my own helpful clarifications in quotations:
1. **Origin:** Daylight Saving Time (DST) was first proposed by Benjamin Franklin in 1784, suggesting that adjusting the clocks could save energy by utilizing daylight more efficiently. “He came up with this right after being hit by lightning.”
2. **Worldwide Adoption:** While not all countries observe DST, it is practiced in various regions globally, including North America, Europe, and parts of the Middle East and Australia. “Proving there are annoying people everywhere.”
3. **Start and End Dates Vary:** The start and end dates of DST are not consistent worldwide. Different countries, and even different regions within countries, choose when to begin and end the practice. “These decisions are made in bars and pubs right at closing time.”
6. **Controversies:** DST has been a topic of debate regarding its actual energy-saving benefits and its impact on sleep patterns, health, and overall well-being. “If people got more sleep they’d finish the discussion. Unfortunately, they fall asleep in the middle.”
7. **Exceptions:** Not all areas within a country may observe DST. For example, in the United States, Hawaii and most of Arizona do not participate in DST. “I feel we can blame Washington D.C. We could banish them to the Groundhog Day time loop if they weren’t already there.”
9. **Extended Daylight:** DST provides longer daylight hours in the evenings, potentially boosting outdoor activities and reducing the need for artificial lighting. “Ra is the only one that’s pleased about this.”
13. **Daylight Saving Time vs. Daylight Savings Time:** The correct term is “Daylight Saving Time,” not “Daylight Savings Time.” The confusion likely arises due to the common colloquial usage. “Shut y’alls stupid face.”
14. **Technology Impact:** Modern technologies and automated systems have reduced the significance of DST in terms of energy savings, as many devices now adjust automatically to time changes. “I barely even need sleep consistency now that my phone changes the time for me.”
16. **Transportation Benefits:** Extended daylight hours can contribute to safer roads as there is more natural light during evening commuting hours, potentially reducing traffic accidents. “They’re just making stuff up. It’s really to protect orphans from the creatures of the night.”
And if you’ve read this far, congratulations—you’ve just lost an hour. Or maybe gained one? Honestly, with daylight saving time, who can tell? Share this with your fellow Daylights and Standards—maybe we’ll find a consensus by next year.
Wow!! That was DEEP!!!