I was through about 10 or 11 cups of coffee this morning and between appointments when the urge to relinquish about 8 of those cups of coffee really wouldn’t take no for an answer anymore. I’m in town and decided to stop at a local park-Martha’s Park for those that know- and use their facilities. A bit of a back story on his location first. I have used this bathroom several times in the past and the experiences range from moderately semi clean to beer bottles and cans strewn about and the smells of recently burned plastic. Once I even walked in on someone lying on the floor under the sink. They merely looked up at me and then closed their eyes while I emptied and flushed. I asked if they were ok and they were adamant that they were fine and very much chose to be lying on a public bathroom floor. I, however, have a fair amount of issues with public restrooms and the germ beasts they contain so I had nightmares for a week. I’m lying, I still have those dreams. Most people have nightmares about werewolves or other such monsters but mine have always been being trapped barefoot in a public restroom with about a quarter inch of brownish water on the floor. Sometimes I’m without pants. Just typing that made me shudder. I have a story about an incident in a Target bathroom in Hickory, NC right before Christmas that I still can’t write about yet.
So I park in the empty parking area and walk through the empty park on this cool and rainy day. No signs of anyone anywhere. I open the door tentatively in case there is something nefarious going on that I made have to hold my breath or close my eyes while in there-not going isn’t an option at this juncture- and step inside. Empty. Not a soul. Not even someone perched up in the stall on the back of a toilet waiting to dowse me in public bathroom germs. Good, so it’ll be a quick in and out of here. I step up to the porcelain plate and about two seconds in I hear a lot of shuffling in very close proximity to my head. I receive a decent dose of fight or flight adrenaline and push the stream up to maximum power whilst all of my senses search for the cause and location of the shuffling. The sound manages to stay up and behind my head. In my mind I see beasts of unknown origin crawling down through the ceiling to smear horrifying unknown public bathroom substances across my eyes and mouth. The shuffling is getting louder and I swear something touched the back of my head. As soon as I’m out of this I’m throwing this hat away I think. Some sort of toilet dwelling hobo bat snake dragon is here to get a final meal before returning to the city sewers to hibernate for the winter.
It shuffle/flies/slithers down again and this time almost in my field of view. I’m now at maximum available pressure an almost 45 year old male can achieve an I approximate about 11 seconds left before completion. I stiffen by body and tuck my head in waiting for death but hoping for enough time to at least go down fighting so I won’t completely dishonor my family name. 5 more seconds. Above and behind me I hear, Swooshing, clapping, hissing, snarling and teeth gnashing. I’m finished. I close up shop and turn around not knowing what I’ll find. The creature is obviously angered by my audacity to face it head on and heads straight for my jugular. Luckily my ninja like reflexes keep the monster away while my eyes adjust and figure out just what beast this is and what it’s weaknesses are. I shuck and jive, my primary defense moves, towards the door and then we make eye contact. I smile. I know this creature. I know how to defeat it. I move in front of the door and open it wide as I step behind it and out of the way. And within maybe 10 seconds the little brown wren looking bird flies down and out through the door. I walk outside where, away from the public bathroom germs, I breathe a sigh of relief. Glad I do not have to do battle with a sewer beast. I see the little bird land on the sidewalk some ways away and look back at me. I wink at the bird. It flits it’s wings as if apologizing for the scare and saying thanks for release from its prison. Then it picks up a cigarette butt and flies away.
Today is November 27th, 2019. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday free of public bathrooms and hobo bat snake dragons.