If you’re in danger, press one

Like Damocles sword, there was a danger poised and ready to doom my future, apparently for good, and forever. I had been totally unaware of the peril that followed my every move. To realize that I’ve been going about my days unabashed and unafraid while danger crept up on me, waiting for the perfect moment to take everything away from me is frightening. It’s more than I can fathom. You’re probably in danger as well.  So take heed my words so we may triumph together or fail miserably by the wayside, alone and unloved.

It was one of those normal days that run and mesh together with all of the other normal days. The days that in 10 years you can’t separate in your memories. And on this day I was minding my own business, working my fingers to the bone for my wife like I’m supposed to, when my phone rang. “Hello,” I answered. A cold voice began informing me about the danger that unknowingly loomed over me. “Are you aware you’re in Danger?!!” they ask. Startled, I check that the doors are locked, and quickly turn and look behind me. There was no axe wielding masked bandit, no giant snake ready to devour me whole, or perhaps the most terrifying possibility, someone with the intentions of an extended car warranty running towards me. I saw nothing, no one, then the voice explains what I must do in order to find out how to save myself and others like me.  This would be a quest I could not take lightly.

     I brace firmly and with as much confidences and bravery I utter, “Hello.” An automated voice parrots once again through my speakers, “Are you aware that your google business listing is in danger?” The world begins to go dark and I tremble slightly. I’m immediately filled with fear and anxiety. I don’t want myself nor my things in danger. Why does Mr. Google not do a better job with my things? He could’ve built a wall, kept us and our belongings safe. What do I do? How do I show my face in public again? I can hear the distant chanting of,”Ok Boomer,” begin, even though I’m Gen X. I pull myself together the best I can under these circumstances. “Please press 1 to find out how to save face and not have everyone ridicule you for eternity.” Says the quasi-real, female robot voice. I scramble for my phone that’s sitting in the passenger seat. I carefully slide the menu open so I can see the keypad and press 1 with a fervent panic and await what my future holds. Will it be a long and arduous torture under a summers noon day sun, or swift and immediate death? I don’t know, but the suspense is killing me.

Well, it used to but not anymore. They’ve called me so many times now that besides being a major nuisance, it’s just become an outlet for stress.  My record for keeping them on the phone as of now is 17 minutes. “I’ll do better this time.” I think to myself. It started off with a call here and there that I mostly ignored. Then, as they became more insistent and regular, sometimes with as many as 5 calls a day I began pushing 2 to be put on the do not call list. Of course that turned out to be the, please realize I don’t know what’s best for myself and call me twice as much list, and now I was getting up to 10 calls a day. It also really didn’t help when I had to forward a different business line to my cell phone. This is due to AT&T trying to, in my opinion, systematically destroy our lives in a last ditch effort to become a virtual Death Star, literally. Their logo is already a blueprint of it, hiding in plain sight, but that’s another story in and of itself. So now I’m getting twice my share of these “danger danger” phone calls.

     Since pressing 2 didn’t help, I began pressing 1 to speak with someone. I would immediately tell them I wanted off their wretched list and did they know that pressing 2 didn’t work. To my utter shock and dismay, these seemed to be issues they weren’t concerned with in the slightest. You’re shaking your head at this right now I know. Mind boggling isn’t it. About the 4th time going through this I spoke with Steve -not his real name- and it broke my line in the sand. Now granted there could’ve been extenuating circumstances on my end but with my cherub like demeanor, I’m gonna say I’m not to blame. Now this harbinger of doom, named Steve, -I was lying, it is his real name. Take that Steve! Steve isn’t gonna get any breaks from me now- not only wasn’t concerned with the areas where uselessness lived, he expounded on them. He grabbed hold of it and inflated uselessness to a new level. And then Steve jumped up on the pedestal of rudeness and began a tirade towards me. I know, more of the boggling. We had a small discussion that no longer remained on the fence concerning aggression and I began to wonder why these cold calling demons seemed to have no fear of possible retribution. Ole Steve wasn’t worried about being identified. Or found. You could tell by his smugness that Steve felt safe on his side of the VOIP. He put the final nail in when he disconnected the call on me. He hung up on me. With a furrowed brow,I called back, and guess what?. The number wasn’t real. They were operating on outbound only lines that couldn’t be called back. Sadness began to creep up on me. They had the upper hand, at least from their view. Sure, I could go claim the google business listings and most likely end this, BUT, Steve made that impossible for me to do. He had taken this to a new level. He had awakened a deeply buried immaturity that had been stifled for quite sometime. Men reading this just nodded subconsciously. I was told recently by a client that I needed a stress outlet, just for me. Something to help me relax or I was gonna pop a fuse. Well, the google business listing people, Steve and I decided together that I’d try this outlet out and see if it worked. So, I would work out a plan when they called back. And they always call back. See, that’s their weakness. They can’t quit calling you. (BTW, poppa fuse would make a great name for a rock band made up of middle aged dads that are electricians)

     And every time they did I would ask different questions and find out what key words made them hang up. Asking them what the name of their business was always gets an immediate hang up. I didn’t want that. I wanted to waste their time since I couldn’t make them not call me without forcing me to go do things I didn’t wanna do. Well I might’ve before Steve. But not now. Steve sucks. You can’t ask for Steve either I found out. That gets you hung up on quickly. You can’t block their numbers because it’s never the same number twice. Yesterday I received one of their calls and I simply put phone on speaker and set it down beside where I was using a hammer drill. I mean, I don’t always have the time to waste theirs. I’m a busy fella.

     So now when they call I happily press 1. One of last calls, when they asked if I knew what this or that was I answered yes to everything. Next time I’m gonna say no and make them explain every thing at least twice. And when I find the best method to keep them on the phone the longest I’ll have my script. At the end of their hour long explanation I let them in on what I was doing. I told them this was partially Steve’s fault and that I was almost sincerely truly sorry, sorta. And I think one of them knew who I was talking about because before they hung up I swear I heard someone in the background say, “get Steve.”     I told them that I’m gonna do this every time they call me and I’m gonna write this out and have the public spread this across the earth. That we, the public, have other things to do than being constantly harangued by calls we cannot escape. Give us the option to opt out of these calls, at least after the 50 call. Then they’ll have to come up with a new way to torture us. I have a hard time believing a cold caller could possibly have my best interests at heart if they can’t even ask, “is now is a good time to talk.”. It doesn’t follow logic.

I don’t have this perfected yet but this is a journey towards making these time wasting, dialed pains in our ears, set the phones down. Give us the opportunity to ignore you. I’m trying to run a business and I don’t need 5-10 extra calls a day that are simply interrupting and of no value. If I need a back brace for pain, or a warranty for my car, or help with the inter webs, or absolutely any and all things in and of this world, I will find it myself or do without. And this amount of time wasting is just one company. Add in the other hollow sales calls and it really starts to add up. But hear me out, together we can beat them. Let’s find the most effective way of redirecting this aggravation back at them. Or maybe enough of us can band together so we can find them. At the very least we can find Steve. We can find Steve and give him what for. Drag him from the shadows and expose Steve. “Hey Steve! Where are you Steve? You sounded pretty tough on the phone. Where you at heifer? Why don’t you, the IRS scammers, the car warranty people and the fake Facebook people wanting to know if I’ve heard the good news meet up with us? To meet us in the parking lot after work press 1, to meet us out by the rock quarry press 2, to keep hiding and prolong misery press 3, to speak with someone please hang up and go outside.

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