My wife purchased a new fan for our/her room. It was one of the first things she mentioned to me when I walked in the door. “Did you see my new fan I bought?” she said with enough smirking and pride that I should’ve immediately been suspicious but since I’m a guy I was totally oblivious until it was too late. And it’s always too late. I had a fan that we’d used for a long time. I used it for the noise and to move the air around before I had a ceiling fan. Now we have a ceiling fan but its too quiet, so I still used the box fan. She didn’t care for it at first but someone in our room “allegedly” snores loudly so she became a fan of the fan. Unfortunately my old box fan was on its last leg and while I was out she quickly put it down and replaced it with a newer model. To be honest, this scares me just a bit as I worry she may one day do that with me but I feel like she likes it that way. I should’ve been suspicious but I was oblivious to what sort of turbine she had brought into our home. I’d like to say from this point out I will make a point to pay more attention but I know I’ll forget about it by tomorrow.
Category 2 hurricane is currently her favorite setting. The right side of my face is getting smoothed out from wind erosion and pretty soon I’ll be able to play two face in a Batman movie. She was excited and proud of her new wind machine that replaced my old fan, which compared to hers, was just a couple of moths sitting in a cage flapping a wing occasionally. She was pretty sneaky about it though. She started out by turning it on but not plugging it in and that was a good deal breezier than my old fan. Slowly she started increasing power. About a week into it I was lying in bed reading on my kindle and it kept blowing the pages around. Three days after that, I noticed I kept having to get out of the floor and climb back into bed. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched one of those weather reporters standing almost horizontally in a hurricane to show how strong the wind is but it was a lot like that but without the rain, unless you count my tears. I noticed the cat had wandered in at one point but only because I saw her whip around the ceiling twice like Dorothy in the twister and then a small echoey meow and she was gone. I’d have gotten up to look for her but I was pinned between the bed and the night stand that was now pressed against the wall.
My wife finally came to bed and told me to quit being weird and to set all the furniture back down on the ground where it belonged. She angled the fan a slightly different direction and everything slammed back down to earth. I’m pretty sure I ruptured an ear drum from the pressure changing so quickly but I suppose it also could’ve been from the thunder. “Can you turn your air boat fan down some because it was way more effective than the previous dead bird I had?” She just beamed and said, “I’ve never heard you say something was too effective before.” I could tell that instead of understanding my airy plight she was simply going to take it as a compliment in picking out the best fan in the world. Before getting into bed I saw her angle it towards the bed a bit more but then my eyes blew back inside my head, the world went black and I could only feel the barometer shift around dramatically.
I’ve ordered some skydiving apparel and a weighted diving belt to wear to bed and it should be here in the next week. She seems happy though, so until then I’m just gonna wear an old ski mask and fill my pockets with as many rocks as I can. I’ve heard a lot of things about marriage but I don’t remember anything about getting windburn while sleeping. On a lighter note, I have since been having dreams of being on an Oreo powered flying suit soaring high above the ground that I’ll only get to meet again if we lose power or my wife gets cold.
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