Today was a rare day compared to recent weeks. After about 18 ½ weeks (I’m not sure how long it’s been or even what month year it is) of mostly only meandering around my house, I ventured out into the outside world. I was now inside of the outside. Out amongst the masses whose personalities vary between those wearing spacesuits and those purposely licking toilet seats and coughing on people. It wasn’t something I was necessarily wanting to do but I had a few service calls I had to attend to. So off I went, bravely into this timid new world. Between two of the jobs I realized I had to stop at a gas station to get gas and maybe a bottle of water. I thought about which station would be the best to go to. There were about 4 between me and my destination and I wanted to pick one that would be easy to maneuver and get in and out quickly. I settled for one about a mile from my next job. I knew the inside relatively well and could find what I needed quickly. I parked off to the side and made a decently quick entry. I wasn’t planning on buying anything besides the bottle of water but there was someone at the register looking for the best scratch offs to ward away the Rona and I didn’t wanna hover, so I walked to the other side of the store to peruse less germs. I walked through the snack aisle and there on the shelf was a veritable horn of plenty filled with Jack Links beef jerky of amazing flavors and sizes. There must have been 147 of them. A jerky bouquet. My stomach rumbles towards them but I just gave them a quick wink and then walked over to the water and found a nice large bottle that looked dusty and untouched for quite some time. If it’s dusty then it’s had no touchy.
Over to the left of the water I spied individually wrapped cheeses. I thought to myself, “no, don’t get any of those”, but they sat there looking like they hadn’t been touched in many months and the feeling of a germ free Pepper jack cheese block from a gas station was just too much to handle. I grabbed one, but only one. I thought it would be pretty selfish to go putting finger germs on all of the untouched gas station cheese. It had waited this long, alone and unmolested, I’d keep them pure. It felt cool in my hand and I knew immediately that It was the correct wrong decision. I also knew I had one more spot in my hand to fill up before checking out. I walked around the store strategically avoiding others, which wasn’t easy because apparently telling others to stay 6 feet away makes everyone wanna use strangers to test their breathing abilities. Moments later I was walking up to the register with a bottle of water, a block of cheese and a couple two foot long beef jerky sticks the width of my thumbs. In a pinch, you could use this jerky stick as a weapon to fight off the zombie horde. Even in the darkest of times, there are always opportunities to make your digestive system work for its place in the world. And also for blissful disobedience towards health.
Someone else was checking out at the register so I made sure to adhere to all 23 signs throughout the store to maintain 6 feet of social distancing. As I was standing there, exactly 6 feet back, a young lady walked up and apparently thought I wasn’t in line and stepped in front of me and behind the guy at the register. Hmm, no problem. I’m easy going. After all, we’re in strange times, so I didn’t get mad. I simply stepped back 4 feet to maintain the 6 foot rule. While I was stepping back someone else got in line behind her. I laughed to myself at the ridiculousness that the world was now in. Here I am in a convenience store doing the Rona shuffle and most everyone else is paying little attention to anything other than their Cheeto and Mtn dew fix. I moved back again to ensure I was staying within the correct distancing parameters set by our tireless leaders. This time there was a a food cooler in the way so I had to step to the side in order to comply. As I did, an older lady made eye contact and I smiled because I thought she was trying to step by me and stay away from strangers. Instead, she instead stepped in line in front of me. I took a new breath and looked down at my slightly warmer cheese block and sighed. I was now standing almost 30 feet from the register. I thought, “This is where I am in life right now. I should’ve paid for the gas outside and remained thirsty and hungry. No good can come from a jerky stick and a block of gas station cheese.
Im not sure why, but almost everyone I run across in person and see on the internets seems to have zero ability to follow even the smallest protocols? If I have to walk across the road in the middle of Gods country, someone will show up and stand beside me. They’ll run up and stand there breathing with their mouth wide open like Sylvester the cat on looney tunes. They’ll slobber out the words, “Suffering succotash, it sure is quiet out here with no around. Have you been able to get your social distancing accomplished?” As though social distancing is a goal that your Fitbit counts off and once you’ve done 10 of them you earn your social distancing award. Apparently once you’ve been awarded with that, then it’s ok to rest your nostrils on the faces of strangers. Them’s the rules.
Now, the one thing that social distancing is helping are the people that normally like to stand 1.26 inches from you in the checkout line. You know these people. I know you do. You’re standing in line to check out and they’re bumping your ankles with a shopping cart. They’re all but touching you from standing so close. You can feel their breath on your face and they’re behind you. Their body heat is causing you to not need your jacket anymore. The two of you are now wearing the same cologne/perfume. They push up against you in buffet lines breathing in your ear. They’re the ones that make you need to hide your PIN number because you have to reach around them to input your code for your debit card. If you haven’t run into one of these people then you’ve never been shopping and you’re probably not human.
If one more person stepped in front of me I was gonna have to move into the ladies bathroom to wait. I silently promised myself if that happened I was gonna go ahead and eat the cheese right then and there. The jerky could wait. Luckily no one else decided to cut in line and I made it back up to the register within the hour while getting all my steps in for the week. My Apple Watch sang my praises with awards for going above and beyond. It really had no idea how much I worked for that, simply by avoiding close proximity with mouth breathers (I can say that because I watched them breathe).I approached the register and waiting there was a frail looking 124 year old Marlboro princess. She stood there shaking as 123 year old nicotine stained eyes peered at me from behind the newly installed plexiglass blast shield, that was somehow already covered in what looked like lipstick prints, but without the lipstick. I contained my shuddering in order to not stir up any more dust or conversation. I denied the offer of a bag and receipt. I made my way out to my car where I gave myself and food wrappers a good soaking with hand sanitizer and considered briefly setting myself on fire. I also made sure to find any cuts in my hands and gave them a little extra burning out.
The jerky and cheese were eyeing me patiently. I waited no longer and began indulgence. 3 ½ minutes later I was dealing with wonderfully harsh aftertastes and the familiar burning inside my esophagus that promised to provide me with its undivided attention very soon. Most likely between the next 30 minutes and 12 hours. In the morning I’ll have plenty of time to sit and reflect about what poor decisions I make sometimes and also how much I learn from them. So there’s that I guess. “If it’s burning you’re learning.”
In 20 years this will be a memory that will run through my mind as I sit on the front porch and watch my grandkids play. They’ll run up to me and ask what I’m thinking about and I’ll push them down and yell “6 feet apart or we all die.” Then we’ll all laugh and laugh because these are the days of our lives whether you accept them or not. Life is what you make it. If you can’t be smart then at least be nice and if you’re gonna take the ride you should wear the shirt so you and everyone else will remember what you survived.